Mostly I'm bored. Bored with life. Very little interests me anymore. Wow, sign of depression. Nice.

Relationships are essential, but terribly over-rated. Apparently finding a "nice" guy is not something I'm capable of. I find the ones that love me so much that they want to control everything I do, while being so inconsiderate that they do whatever they want to do. Freedom/Saiorse...duh...had that tattooed for a reason. Dumbass.

My wanderlust seems to keep rearing its ugly head. Especially with Susie moving to Deutschland. Ich habe vier yare (sp?) Deutsch in die Schule gelernt. Ich kann spreche, alveiter nich so gut. Warum solle I nich da mit ihr gehen? Never mind that I mix up my speaking, written and formal tenses. I'm sure it's bad enough to make a German feel ill. And then there's this strange and inexplicable draw to Georgia. No idea where that comes from. Maybe it's the Southern culture that is so much a part of me. Where women are women and men have manners, at least in front of women. To be able to reinvent myself, where makeup and perfume and people won't think I've lost it. Or is it just that I've pigeon-holed myself? I tried to dress nice the other day and I couldn't do it. I didn't have the self-confidence to wear a skirt to work. WTF????? Fucking pathetic.

Ramble. Told you so.

Therapy. Haven't been in a year and a half. Wow. Not so good.

So, yeah, told Rich that first night we met in Moscow this summer that if we got serious we were going to go to couple's counseling and he TOTALLY agreed. Yet both times I mentioned it to him, he blew me off. He swore he was still going twice a week and on his meds. What a fucking lie. And am I so paranoid, or has something been going on with him in the last few weeks? Irrelevant after last night. I knew yesterday that it would be over. And now, without intent, it is. And he claims I slapped him for no reason. Idiot. But we knew that. Wonder what the absolute outcome of all this will be.
Wanderlust or just running away?
I know I ran away from Virginia. I ran away from the bad grades, the partying, and mostly from all the skeletons that were stacking up in the closet. I ran away from the hurricanes in North Carolina.
Both times were empowering, cowardly?, I'm not sure about that. At the time it felt like I was taking control of my own destiny. Not continuing to go with the flow, but really making a choice. Pathways that were certainly NOT the easy choices, that would lead to growth. And to some extent, more than some, they were successes. So to think about leaving here...why does that feel like a cowardly thing to think about? Is it because I would be running from the small-town lifestyle and how that impacts the conflict with Rich? Uh, duh!
Why else would it be? Wanderlust? I don't know. But why Georgia???

And I love my job and my boss, so why the hell would I want to go? Wasn't that my goal my whole life? To find a job/career that I love, no matter the pay or the struggle to get it? Yes.

Ronald David Pierce is a fucking sleezebag, no good, piece of shit, child molesting, drug-pushing, filthy excuse of a waste of flesh.

Hmmm... that's a true piece of honest insult.

Sum total, what a great fucking week. Yeah.

Silver lining: It could be so much freaking worse.
Other shoe dropping: It probably will?

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